I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
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Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.