Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
You Might Also Like
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
*updates tinder bio*
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”