[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
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Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
HELP 😭
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.