a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
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“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
It’s the weekend y’all
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.