Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
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“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.