*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
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Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
is this how new cars are made??