“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
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This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
was Jim off killing horses or…
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
This was a bad idea all around
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it