How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
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be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster