Wait a minute…
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You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun