Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
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Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak