Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
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Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
The symmetry is uncanny.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules