Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
You Might Also Like
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry