Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
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Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath