Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
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Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
March 16
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog