What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
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*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.