I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
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The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.