My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
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My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.