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Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
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But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
What is going on? 😅
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.