Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
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They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Teamwork makes the dream work.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!