I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
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I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
I am never leaving this website
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.