I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
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May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Breaking news:
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.