They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
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ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(