temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
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Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
our love story in four pictures
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
You wish you had this many chins.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge