Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
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Holy moly
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.