Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
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Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.