I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
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girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol