when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
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*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Love it! 👍😂
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.