the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
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Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
My patronus is a cheeseburger
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life