WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
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Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Never be a pizza!
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
time for some seasonal decor
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!