Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
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A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Lmao 🤣
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*