Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
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Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁