Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
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“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks