I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
You Might Also Like
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
so weird how every mom was born today
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.