Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
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I’m good, thanks.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em