fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
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peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
this is how life feels
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
just gave my 5yo power of attorney