When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
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Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
smartest karate player in the world