Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
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I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.