ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
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i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Sometimes? I’m slipping
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
My dad.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny