I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
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No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”