Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
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The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit