Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
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My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
excuse me
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.