This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
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The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely