[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
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Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.