Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
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Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me