“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
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Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
A Short Story.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.