wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
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anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this