This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
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Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.