I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
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A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.