6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
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Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
This one’s “Alex”.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
britain’s three elite institutions
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird