My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
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My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.